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De-stressing during Breakups and Divorce

De-stressing during Breakups and Divorce

A confrontation with the ex, negotiations stalled, a late payment, the trial is postponed. Heart pounding. Blood pumping. Mind racing….to the future, the unknown, fear, worry.  Adrenaline and cortisol shoots through the body. Hyped up, unable to let go. On a roll and don’t know what to do. Cascading thoughts, muscles tense; escalating fear. In the throes of fight or flight; What can we do? We have all had this reaction…to fear…. anxiety…. to stress. How can we calm and re-align in the midst of an escalating fear attack or during an ongoing stress continuum? 

The Lazarus Calm-Realigning Technique can interrupt the syndrome, bring relief, and provide a sense of calm and balance. Once learned, this technique can easily be done in a few minutes. With practice, the benefits can last from minutes to hours; plus reduce one’s response to stressful stimuli when it comes in. It is powerful and aligning.

With so many stresses that arise during breakups and divorce, it is important to have a quick tool to keep them from de-railing your mood or your day.

1. Repetition of de-stressing through body-mind techniques

When I coach clients in de-stressing techniques, I suggest practicing the method several times a day, especially for the first several weeks. Repetition reduces the state of chronic hyper arousal; by calming the body and mind rather than escalating it. It also releases stress chemicals rather than elevating them. 

This is also beneficial for sleeping, as ongoing hyper arousal is a detriment to sleep. Reducing hyper arousal during the day, rather than increasing it, will lessen the toxic stress hormones that circulate during stress. The added challenge of a breakup or divorce makes sleeping that much more difficult, therefore, a frequent daily practice becomes very important.

Repetition also creates new neuropathways  to the brain.  These new pathways to the brain create new positive patterns.  The old neuropathways, like bumpy potholed roads, were developed from years of reaction to fear, anxiety and stress. It takes time and practice to overlay or circumvent those patterns and create new ones.

2.  Benefits of The Lazarus Calm-Realigning Technique

This technique, which I developed, combines both Eastern and Western practices. It helps aligns the physical, mental, energetic and emotional planes to create beneficial internal shifts.

When stressed or frightened, our hearts beat faster. This technique slows the heartbeat and calms the heart. When scared, we tend to hold our breath or it becomes shallow. This prevents needed oxygen from circulating through our bodies and to our brain. We go into tunnel vision, unable to see options. Tunnel vision creates more fear and anxiety, and a self-perpetuating fear cycle begins.

By changing and re-aligning our focus during this technique, we interrupt the flow of anxiety producing thoughts along with the accompanying toxic chemicals. We become present in our body and mental chatter decreases. Needed oxygen is delivered more effectively into our system.

We begin to neutralize.  The relaxing, mood enhancing hormones of serotonin and endorphins can set into motion and enter our bloodstream. These along with the positive messages we will receive, helps to calm and re-align.

Through The Lazarus Calm-Realigning Technique, we can align our heart, which is the center of love and compassion, with our belly, that provides our core strength, will and power. We connect through the breath while delivering positive messages to the brain.

When doing the exercise, it is important to breathe gently and slowly rather than take deep breaths as you may have practiced in other systems.

The purpose of the slow and gentle breath, is to slow down the sympathetic nervous system and create a transition into the parasympathic nervous system, which is the system  for relaxation and calm. This is effortless breathing, rather than active breathing.

3. The Four Stages of The Lazarus Calm-Realigning Technique

A. Awareness

Become aware that you are in a future fear, super charged or chronically stressed mode.

B. Willingness

Be willing to make a shift

C. Change Physiology

Changing physiology is the first step to letting the brain know that a shift will take place. It activates neurons and muscle groups, signaling that something else will now occur.

a. If you are sitting, stand up or lay down
b. If you are standing, sit down, or lay down
c. If you are laying down, sit up or stand up
d. If you are pacing or walking, stop or sit down

D.   Steps in The Lazarus Calm-Realigning Technique

Hand placement on heart and belly

1.   Place your right hand in the middle of your chest; the heart center; of  love.
      Place your left hand on your belly, which is the will center; of power and strength.

Connecting through your belly

2.   Bring your attention to the hand on your belly
      Feel the connection between your hand and your belly.

3.  Slowly take one gentle breath through your nose and feel your belly rise as you do.
      If it is difficult to breathe through your nose, then inhale through your mouth.
      Pause for 2 seconds.

     Gently exhale through your mouth and feel you belly relax as you do.
     Have the exhale be longer than the inhale. Pause for 2 seconds.

4.  Take another slow, gentle breath and as you inhale imagine that courage is filling
     your belly.  Silently say the word courage as you inhale.  Pause for 2 seconds.

     Gently exhale through your mouth and as you do, silently say the word calm.
    Pause for 2 seconds.

5.  Repeat this breath several times
     Slowly fill your belly with courage on the inhale, and calm on the exhale.

 Connecting through your heart

6.  Bring your attention to the hand on the middle of your chest, the heart center.
     Feel the connection between your hand and your heart.

7.   Slowly take one gentle breath through your nose.
      Breathe into your belly and up into the heart center.
      Feel your chest rise as you do.   Pause for 2 seconds.
      Gently exhale through your mouth and feel your chest relax as you do.
      Have the exhale be longer than the inhale.  Pause for 2 seconds.

8. Take another slow, gentle breath into your belly and up into the heart center.
     As you inhale imagine that love is filling your heart.
     Silently say the word love as you inhale.   Pause for 2 seconds.

     Gently exhale through your mouth and as you do, silently say the word calm.
     Pause for 2 seconds.

9. Repeat this breath several times while smiling and enjoy the feeling.
    Slowly fill your heart with love on the inhale, and calm on the exhale.

10. Relax into normal breathing

E. New Awareness

 How you feel now and what may have shifted?

Patience and repetition are key to creating new patterns of calm and balance. For a person going through a breakup, divorce or recovery from one, de-stressing is imperative and the benefits are many.

Wouldn’t you like to quickly calm your mind, relax your body, center yourself, elevate your mood and think more clearly? 

Order your free report now: "10 Best Ways to Deal with Your Ex!"

Cheryl Lazarus is a Breakups and Divorce Coach, Seminar Facilitator and NLP Certified Coach. She is also trained in Gestalt Therapy and Counseling with expertise in Communication, Intimacy, Stress Management and Empowerment Practices.

 Cheryl coaches clients in person in NYC and on the phone in the US and abroad. 917 838 3648   transitionscl@aol.com

1 Comment to De-stressing during Breakups and Divorce:

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Tess on Wednesday, August 18, 2010 12:24 AM
This technique is great! I immediately felt more connected to myself. The next surprising and wonderful benefit was that I felt a rush of "self care." I stayed with both feelings and experienced a calm and real shift within myself.
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